Tales of a Working Mother?

I don't mean to turn this into "Tales of a Working Mother," but I wanted to share one thought about returning to work after having a baby 3.5 weeks earlier.

Don't do it.

Preparing for maternity leave, I thought, "If I discover I can't do it, I'll take more time off."  Everything else was taken care of, right?  Sure, baby would need to eat, but my wonderful in-laws would be bringing him to me during the day to nurse.  I had an hour in between classes, and babies take 20 minutes to eat, right?  So I would still have time to meet with students in between classes, too!  And I might be tired because baby would wake up a lot at night, but I was only going back for 3 weeks or so (until my concert was finished).  And I might feel sad at leaving him, but again, it was only for 3 weeks, so I could survive that and then spend the summer with him before I went back to work.  So, it was completely doable to go back to work, prep a concert, have a baby, and work on my dissertation.  Oh, and take job interviews.

But here is what I learned:
- It wasn't about me.  Physically, I could return to work and teach.  I might be a little more tired at the end of it all, but I could still teach.  This was the least of my concerns.
- Baby DOES need to eat.  And my in-laws DO bring him to me during the day.  But he hasn't been gaining weight like he should.  So he often needs to eat every two hours.  And eating every two hours means he needs to eat two hours from the last time he started eating.  So, if he ate from 11 to noon,  he would need to eat again at 1.  Which leads me to....
- My baby takes more than 20 minutes to eat.  I'm not sure what's "normal."  Perhaps some babies eat in 20 minutes.  I'm honestly not sure where I got that number.  Maybe somewhere in all my research before he arrived.  But my baby is a slow eater.  In fact, one time a nurse said, "He's a lazy eater... whoops, we don't call them that any more."  It's not unusual for him to take 40-60 minutes to eat.  So no, I don't have time to meet with students in between classes.  And nursing takes up a lot more time than originally anticipated.  And because he hasn't gained as much weight as he should, the doctor has told me NOT to go off feeding cues, but wake up him every two hours during the day to eat.  I spend anywhere between 4.5-5.5 hours nursing EVERY DAY.
- And yeah, I am tired.  But honestly, that's not a big deal.
- And yes I'm sad to leave him.  But I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to leave a baby I KNEW hadn't eaten enough, and would likely be hungry again soon and would fuss.  And I, being a bad mom, would not be there for him.  (Yes, mom guilt- also unanticipated).
- And, this has been the LONGEST 3 WEEKS of my adult life.
- I took job interviews.  They were hard, especially two days after being discharged from the hospital.  I can prep a concert.  But I barely have time to work on my dissertation.  Not to mention trying just to be a human... it's hard to find time for that.

So, if I had to do it again, I would take leave through the end of the school year.  For my baby.  For me.  And to understand how my life as a mother works with this new baby.

I'm very lucky.  I love my job- as a mother, as a wife, and as a conductor.  So next time?  A post about music.