Not the Life For Me

When I was little, I wanted to be a singer- a rockstar really.  There is a picture of me singing to myself in a mirror and another one of me singing into a fake mic.  I was 2 or 3.  Then, because being a rockstar wasn't the most practical, I thought of some other fields (specifically a writer and editor).  But by the time 7th grade rolled around, I realized I wasn't getting away from music.  Maybe a broadway singer?  Meh, that didn't appeal to me for longer than a couple months.  I tried my hand at being a singer/song writer.  Thanks to my friend Heather for helping me with the lyrics of some of my songs.  By the end of 8th grade, I decided I wanted to teach music and work with choirs.  I am an oddity to know my career so early.  I don't know if I ever really lost that desire to grab a guitar and keyboard, travel, and sing.

Until tonight.  I went to an awesome concert.  April, the front woman, is pregnant.  I can't imagine.  Nor would I want that for my life.  They just bought a house and she's looking forward to settling in her house and putting things in order.  That would be rough.  Then, on top of that, I didn't get home until 12:30.  I was exhausted.  April and her band was still heading down to San Diego.  I would never be able to do that. 

Men's Ordination in the News

I listened to Gesang der Parzen (Song of the Fates) by Brahms today.  Amazing.  Brahms is perhaps my favorite composer.  Or one of them.  I have never heard anything of his that I don't love- it's captivating and stunning.

My Favorite Musical

I forgot how utterly amazing the musical "Secret Garden" is.  I would LOVE to see that show live.  I saw it when it was done at Luther, but I'd love to see it again.  I always cry when I listen to the soundtrack from start to finish.  Of course I love "Lily's Eyes", but there are SO many great songs.

Today was a very, very full day.  Tomorrow will be the same.  It was good, and productive.  I even allowed myself two bowls of cereal as a reward.

We had a big rehearsal tonight.  We ran through Belshazzar's Feast with the orchestral director.  He is taking it at a very quick tempo.  Yes yes, I know William Walton SAID he wanted it to go 208... but it sounds like the choir is hiccuping.  It shows off the bombasticness of the orchestra, but destroys any shreds of musicality.  I have heard one recording that is going close to that tempo... otherwise most are between 170 and 190.  It makes a HUGE difference.  I prefer it around 180.

Off to continue listening to the Secret Garden.

Your First Characteristic

Tonight, I am feeling particularly blessed to have chosen the vocation I chose.  I get to conduct.  But more than that, I get to make music- with others.  I get to help teach others how to make music.  What an amazing thing! 

Today I woke up and was feeling a little surly.  No particular reason- I just have been feeling this way for a couple days.  I feel a little cynical of the conducting world, too many egos and so many people that don't want to be collaborative, just competitive.  But there is nothing I can do about OTHER people.  So I asked myself, "If someone were describing me to a friend, what is the very first characteristic I would want them to say about me?"  What do I hope defines me, stands out?  And the first characteristic is NOT "well, my friend Shannon, she's a conductor."  I don't mind the third, maybe the second, characteristic to be "she's a good music teacher/conductor".  But not the first.  I hope the very first thing people say about me is, "My friend Shannon?  She's very warm, personable."  Even as an educator, I want a student to think, "My professor has high standards, is passionate, and is understanding."  The question for you to think about:  If I were describing you to someone else, what is the first characteristic you would hope I would say?  The point is, being a music teacher doesn't define me.  It is clearly an attribute and part of who I am and what I love, but I hope that is not what I am as a person.

My rehearsal tonight was solid.  My teacher came and observed.  He gave some great feedback.  It helped to remind me of two things.  1)  Get out of the pattern.  While this seems like a "no duh", sometimes I stay in a pattern for clarity's sake.  It's hard to always get what I want out of a choir when I am beating a four pattern.  2)  Songs are a process.  I was feeling confident on what I wanted.  Except I did a few dumb things- for example, the tempo on one of my pieces needs to be quicker.  I intentionally took it slower during the learning process, knowing that we could quicken the tempo with little difficulty.  But I never took the tempo that was written.  Why?  I don't know- I think I forgot.  But I didn't review the music and remind myself of the larger picture- which includes all aspects of the music.  I felt pretty dumb- though thankfully that was the dumbest thing I did. 

And I received my new rolling bag today!

Fugal Analysis

My teacher asked me to do a graph analysis of the first movement of BWV 80.  I don't remember (or was never taught) what a graph analysis is, so he said just to do an analysis in the score.  Which I had already started when he asked.  I finished the harmonic analysis of the entire cantata (24 minutes worth of music- and I could tell you what every chord is).  I had already started the fugal analysis of the first movement and my goal is to finish the fugal analysis tomorrow, as well as conduct through it.  I found that if I can make myself a to do list the night before, I am much more productive the next morning.  So, tomorrow I plan on completing the fugal analysis (I think this will take more time than I anticipate.  I haven't done an analysis for years), conduct for at least 30 minutes, practice some singing, do some research on my master thesis/term paper for a class (which is probably what I look forward to the most), and maybe run to the library, but given all the other things John and I have planned for tomorrow, I will be very surprised if I make it through this list.  We hope to go hiking in the morning- although we'll see!  I am wide awake right now, since we took a nap this afternoon.  We are heading to our local record store to listen to some good tunes, and we are going to watch the opera that the conservatory is putting on.  I have some friends in the opera, so it will be great to see.

I think Bach is very cheerful.

I also think the Avett Brothers are cheerful.  And I look forward to seeing them again.  I hope their new album comes out soon.  I also think that next Thursday I am going to a fun little show in Hollywood of one of my favorite groups.  It's rare some of my favorite groups come out here.

How to Defeat Defeatism

Here is what I realized when John's parents were here: I spend too much time on the internet. I knew I wasted some time, but I didn't realize HOW MUCH time until I didn't go on my computer every time I came home- and wow! I had more time. I was really only on my computer to do school work. What a difference that made.

Today I led a choir all the way through Belshazzar's Feast and I donated blood. I'll give you one guess at which was more difficult.

I think it was terrible. I couldn't get my mind wrapped around what was coming next in the music- I felt stuck. I wanted to stop and work on things, but knew I couldn't. The focus was on my conducting the piece and my teacher wanted me to conduct straight through the 35 minute work. This was a make-up lesson from earlier in the semester. I got a B. My teacher told me I did a good job, especially for my first time through the entire piece with a choir (and their first time singing it all the way through). I completely bombed 3 places in the score- including a section I NEVER mess up on. Since we finished Belshazzar's Feast in my lesson 2 weeks ago, I haven't really opened my score and conducted it. I thought we were done. Last Friday my teacher asked me to conduct it all the way through. And I know I didn't dedicated enough time to the score from Friday afternoon to today, although I felt very confident going into today's rehearsal. I am comfortable with the score and what I should/want to hear. It just didn't... fit together as easily as it does when I'm conducting nothing and imaging the sounds in my head. I am unsure about what I exactly need to be working on right now- Belshazzar's Feast? Bach Cantata 80? Or He's Gone Away, a song my teacher wanted me to conduct for him in my lesson that the women's choir is singing? All of the above? I have practiced He's Gone Away... and I'll do some practicing of BWV 80 tonight yet. My teacher gave me some feedback- he started the feedback by saying I did a lot of things well and he didn't write them down because he wanted to give me the most direct feedback in the short amount of time we had. I agree with all he said, and even if I had reasons for doing or not doing things, I think he gave me valuable feedback. I will continue to work on Belshazzar's Feast.

If I don't get all As this semester, I'm going to have a difficult time not feeling defeated. I'm not worried about diction or my gender and music class. I'm not worried about voice lessons (although, maybe I should be) or choir. I worry that I'm not up to snuff in conducting lessons or choral master class. And a B on a conducting lesson? Even a B+... that is unacceptable to me. I can't imagine what will happen if I get a B in lessons on my grade report. A part of me feels very discouraged- what am I even doing in graduate school if I don't have the skill and ability to do better than a B? I, out of all people, know that grades are just grades. But I also know they are important for my next school. Sure, I can focus on the learning. I love learning. However, the fact remains, that if I don't get As, I am going to look like a mediocre student and an incompetent DMA candidate. The educator in me hates this paragraph and it's over-emphasis on grades. I know I can seem neurotic, but this is not about a grade in a class. This is about the career I have wanted since I have been 13. It would be awful to feel as if I couldn't do it after 16 years of working toward this goal.

On the other hand, I would be extremely unhappy if all I did was school or conduct. Up until 4 PM tomorrow, I plan on having a productive work day. Then I'm coming home, working out, talking to John, and going to dinner with a friend. And when I come home, I don't plan on doing any school work. The rest can wait until Thursday. There are few things that matter more to me than my future career, but they would include John, family, close friends, and my health. Oh, and doing good and showing love to humankind.

Unexcused

Monday night's rehearsal with the women was very solid. There were a couple of weird things happening- there is a girl who hasn't shown up the past two rehearsals and two ladies left early from rehearsal. These kind of things aren't excused. I am always blown away by people who think singing in a choir should be some sort of laid back, optional class. You don't show up, your grade is affected. End of story. Each singer is way too important to miss rehearsals. It doesn't just affect that one person, it affects the entire group. I don't need to lecture people who read this blog... I think you get the point.

John's parents are in town, so the week has been busy. I am glad I worked ahead on homework last week. It makes this week less stressful. I am waiting on an assignment for my Monday class. At least this time she said she was going to send out questions later in the week for us to fill out. I asked her when exactly, and she said Thursday. So I should get that assignment today. Plus we have a longer assignment in diction. I did half of it last night, although I believe I probably did half of it incorrectly. So I will need to go and asked the GA for some assistance.

I finally finished analyzing the first movement of my Bach cantata. I think I will like the process of working on the cantata, except for the whole harmonic analysis thing. It's not difficult, it's just time consuming to analyze 24 minutes worth of music. I would find it more useful to do a Schenkerian analysis, but I am sure a traditional analysis is expected for lessons.

BWV 80

I finished Belshazzar's Feast! At least in lessons... FINALLY, after 8 weeks, I am going to really focus on conducting a Bach cantata- BWV 80. I love Reformation Sunday, both the music and all the potential the year seems to have. Tonight I need to spend some time really analyzing the music.

Tomorrow I don't get to think of school at all (although maybe John will give me 30 minutes to practice conducting). Sunday is Easter- which means church, practicing, and preparing for a visit from John's parents (which means making sure everything is as clean as it can be).

Alright, off to think about trying to go for a run. I say "think about" because my legs are tired. However, I bet once I start running they will be okay.

Dissertation Heavy

I conducted in choral master class today. It was fine. I've done better. I've done worse. My teacher shaped a few things differently than I would have thought of and in the end I preferred what he was doing, but I wish I would have gotten there myself, without his prompting. Next time I need to be more proactive about really internalizing the song I conduct for that class- it's just very low on my list of priorities (lessons and women's choir taking the front of the line). My back is super tense (and yes, I remember that a week ago I got an hour long massage). It was fine until yesterday evening. I had started wearing my backpack again. I really should get a solid bag with wheels.

I went to the library today to pick up a few things on interlibrary loan... including a dissertation. I didn't realize they didn't have an electronic copy of it. The dissertation is HUGE and heavy. I think it's nerdy I look forward to reading it. Or skimming it. I'm still learning how to just skim as opposed to read every detail. Sometimes in my assignments they take me twice as long because I enjoy reading the notes in the bibliography or looking up things I have little familiarity with.

Tomorrow night John and I are going to observe the LA Master Chorale Rehearsal. I'm going for a class and John wanted to join. I have a full score of Missa Solemnis, which is what they are rehearsing. Should be exciting! I don't know anything about the group other than they are supposed to be good.

Always ready to teach notes

It was great to have rehearsal again with the ladies. It was a tough rehearsal, however. They worked hard, but I felt the energy lagging, especially near the end. I can't blame them- rehearsal for 2 hours and 45 minutes with a 10 minute break? We have so much to get done, but I think next week I will give them two shorter breaks. I also plan on using the space more- getting them moving instead of sitting and standing only. We have four rehearsals left until our concert. We have the whole month of April and our concert is May 7... it seems so far away, but it really isn't. The women were supposed to have learned their notes over break, but it didn't happen. The songs are fairly easy, but that means all the nuances I wanted to work on today didn't happen.

I guess for most choirs, the conductor will be destined to teach notes in some interesting way... we can never skip that part. It's okay, but wouldn't it be kind of cool to skip past the whole note-teaching process?

Sunny Monday

Monday morning and spring break is over. This past weekend, other than the Warrior Dash, I was able to catch up with some of my favorite people. I am very glad I did that- it's nice to get outside of yourself and remember how much you love your friends and how much you want them to succeed. Phones are a wonderful way to catch up- but so is e-mail... and Facebook messaging. Without these things, it would be more difficult. Of course, if we didn't have these things, I don't think we would be 2000 miles away from many of our friends and family.

One of the conversations I had yesterday was with a friend from undergraduate who is finishing up his masters in music. It's the first time I felt on the same page as someone else who is in graduate school currently. I forget how really isolated I feel at my current program- for all the good things there are about small programs and about this school and teacher, I clearly don't belong with the undergraduates or the faculty. I also love having a life outside of school.

Speaking of which, I was so extremely productive yesterday. I studied some Rachmaninoff, did some research for my master thesis, practice my vocal pieces, practiced conducting (more on that in a moment), went over some choral music, and wrote out a great rehearsal for the women's chorus! I have a lot to get done today, too, but I feel confident that most of it will get done.

I was thrilled that I finally am getting a section to the point I want it to be at in Belshazzar's Feast. There are 12 measures that I have conducted hundreds of times. I haven't been able to decide how I want to conduct it, what I want to bring out, and it has been difficult to actually coordinate my hands and face so I can show everything. But last night I had a break through- I did it very close to the way I wanted to multiple times in a row. I don't consider it perfect, but I feel like I am finally on the right path with this passage.

I hope I get to conduct the Bach cantata next.