How I know I am in the Right Field...

Yesterday I had a realization.  I love what I do now more than what I have ever done before.

When I was teaching middle and high school, the summer would arrive and I would work to make money.  But other than that, I didn't think much about teaching.  I love teaching, but the summer would come and my goal was to run and do as many fun things as possible.  

It's different now.  Obviously, I still love doing fun things.  I do fun things as often as possible.  But it's the summer and I want to study music.  I want to continue to learn about and practice knowing music... choral/orchestral works.  I have plans to get through music this summer and have additional plans for this next school year.  That is what is different now.  I crave learning about music.

I know not everybody is as lucky as I am.  I have no idea why, as an 8th grader, I decided I wanted to conduct choirs.  Then, as a 9th grader, I had a conductor that was one of the most inspirational people in my life and I decided to model myself after him.  And I have stuck with this idea and this passion, minus a short blip in 2009 in which I was unsure if I wanted to continue in music in the public school system.  I realized that it was the system I was so frustrated at, and not the music or the teaching.

So, I am very lucky to have known what I have wanted to do since I was 13.  It's one of the biggest defining factors of my life.  It's one of the longest running.  

There was a time I thought of this strong passion as a hinderance.  If I didn't know what I wanted to do, I could explore other fields and become excited about other ideas.  I no longer think of it as a hinderance.  

All of this started from the difference between my summer this year and my summer three years ago.

Women in Opera Book

This book about women in opera is ridiculous.  Why keep reading it?  Because I have 40 pages left.  Why did I keep reading it?  Because I set a goal, and I keep my goals.

We all know (or maybe we don't... maybe I take it forgranted) that women are often cast in negative light or given weak characters in operas, especially many of the famous operas.  When they are, many people recognize it.  Very few people sit back and think, "Yes... cosi fan tutte.  Women are always like that."  

This book is interesting and brings up good points.  I agree with a lot of it.  I can't argue that often women in opera are used as props for the men to complete their story.  I appreciate the analysis of it all.  I love doing that kind of thing myself.  I also disagree with some of her points.  There are some connections she tries to make between operas and between myths about women that seem like quite a stretch.  

So let's say that you read this book and you understand what she writes about.  Let's say that you even live the emotion the author is sharing... how do you watch/listen to an opera?  If you are angry at the way women are represented, can you enjoy the music or the story?  Can it be beautiful and moving?  Probably, but I would personally have a difficult time striking that balance.  

All the characters have labels and many of stereotypical traits assigned to them.  And yes, it frustrates me at times.  But I can't be angry at Mozart for writing a certain story at a certain point in history from a certain social standing and gender role.  

I also wish she were more succinct.  

It's not a bad book, but some of the language makes me role my eyes.  Give me good analysis without the constant sarcasm.

Conducting Memes

I started reading a book... it's about women in opera.  I have two other books to read this summer- one about baseball (per John's request) and one about choral music.  At least one about choral music.  But first, to finish this book about women in opera... it's written by a woman who is a literary critic.  None of the ideas are shocking, but the book is a little difficult to read.  She writes like she speaks.  Like this. With periods.  Sometimes.  She writes in the first person many times and this can make things unclear.  The synopsis are succinct, however, the rest is not as clear.  

Tonight I do more revision.  Until "late."  I can do this!  As soon as I'm done looking at conducting memes.

Employment

I received the official offer from the church and sent back a signed offer letter today.  It's a quarter time position and the salary is decent.  It's not on the high end of the ALCM salary guidelines, but it is within the amount I would have hoped for- 10 hours a week, with a masters degree, and 9 years of experience.  Oh, apparently I also get two weeks of paid vacation?

Right now it's just director of music plus the choir.  They wanted to give me the option of the handbell choir, but didn't want to require it as they wanted to make sure I could have time for it.  They wanted things to be negotiable.  I start August 1!  Well, I am sure I will start before that, by writing letters, gathering information, meeting with the pastor, etc.  I have so many ideas and I am so excited.

I am most excited about the fact I will still have my own choir.  This is pretty exciting.  I am also excited I will get to work in a church.  I know it's not awesome every Sunday, but it is awesome on most Sundays.  It's music!  It's my own program!  It's people that want to sing and love to ring hand bells!

I will talk more about my ideas later.  Right now I should work on thesis revision.

But first!  I just have to state one more time that I am so excited about having my own program.  I love learning and I love school and all that comes with it, but I have missed being in charge of my own program.

Okay, off to continue some revision on my thesis for print...

Church and Journals

I received an e-mail back from the one church giving me feedback.  It was great and was something I can think about (one thing was brought up- and it was something I was already aware of).  Plus, the other finalist had more experience.

I also received an e-mail from the interim music director from the other church.  She said she wanted to let me know that I was going to receive an offer from them.  She said she was very impressed with my conducting ability and musicianship.  She wanted to notify me personally as sometimes the process is a little slow.  Even though this church is a longer drive, there are a lot of great things about the congregation, the way the music program is set up, and the flexibility I have.  I think the church is really hoping for energy and ideas.  Well, that's what I have!  I have already created a list of questions and started a list of ideas to implement.  I will have to do it slowly.  But I think this could be the start of something great.

So that's good news.

Other good news- I heard back from the woman who is co-editing the Choral Journal in the fall.  She read my thesis, wants to use a part of it, but I need to rewrite my thesis since they can't publish what's already been published.  So, when I am done with this entry, I need to rewrite my thesis.  Okay, so I probably won't get it all rewritten today, but I will work on it.  That's my goal in the next week.  

Now, if only Facebook will stop distracting me... 

News and Form

Bad news first.  I received a phone call from a church yesterday saying they have offered the position to someone else.  I have already sent off an e-mail asking them for feedback.  I had a great experience with them and the worst they can say is that they can't give me feedback.  When she called, she told me it was the most horrible decision they have ever had to make.  She said they thought I was so musical and so enthusiastic, warm.  She said the choir and committee were very split because they thought I was such a great candidate.  Ultimately they chose the other finalist.  I thanked her and she offered the church up if I ever needed a quiet place to study.  I was bummed, but sent a follow-up thank you e-mail for their time.  That's when I said, "Since I had such a great experience with you, I was wondering if it would be possible to get feedback from the audition/interview.  I would love to hear the priorities in your considerations.  I understand if the committee cannot do this, but I thought I could use it as a good learning and growing experience for me."  And then I thanked them again for their time.  Again, the worst they can say is that they cannot give me any feedback.

In other news, I sent a thank you e-mail to the other church as well.  The head of personnel e-mailed me back and said the choir enjoyed meeting me and were impressed with my ability.  They think I would be a great fit and in the next few days either he or the pastor would be getting in touch with me.  While this is not a job offer, it does bode well.  

I am reading through a very thorough dissertation about Gesang der Parzen.  I am taking my time reading and understanding.  All I am using it for currently is to understand some of the similarities of different moments.  These are moments that I have heard, but have not made note of until now.  Sometimes I wonder if it is cheating that I read this instead of doing some of the work myself, but there will be time for more analysis once I finish this reading (and another one I am going to read).  But, if someone else has done the work, why not read it?  I would want my master thesis/project report read.  

At any rate, Gesang der Parzen does not neatly fit into any form.  The section I am reading about now talks about form.  I look forward to reading about it, but will probably save some of it for the plane/airport tomorrow.  Some people have tried to say Gesang der Parzen was some form of Rondo, but this dissertation likens it more to a type of Sonata form.  I find Sonata form to be so... complex?  What I mean is, Rondo is fairly straight forward- Material A, new material, Material A, new Material... you keep hearing the same material come back.  But in Sonata form, with the expo and development, sometimes the thematic material gets lost through the changes (clarification: not really lost, but I find sometimes my ear does not hold onto the material unless I have heard it many, many times).  I am about to listen to Parzenlied with the idea of a Sonata in mind.  I think this form will make the most amount of sense to me.  Perhaps because Sonata form seems to lend itself to so many formulations... take Sonata form and tweak it a little and you have something new and crazy!  Plus, Parzenlied is set up like a mini choral-orchestral drama.  Yes, I think I like this idea of form for Parzenlied.

Clefs and Keys

Scene: At Polly's.  Drinking Chai.  Listening to ABBA.  Thinking about Brahms... and the fact that I have not heard from either church yet after my interview.  What if I do not get an offer from either place?  I definitely over think things.  Such as, "One of the churches had a council meeting on Tuesday night to discuss their appointment.  But I have not heard from them.  I probably will not receive an offer."  Well, I suppose we shall see.  And I need to remind myself that I cannot guess how others think or how the appointment process works in specific congregations.

Okay, so back to Brahms.  

I bought the Kalmus version of "Gesang der Parzen."  Mulitple clefs.  Even most of the vocal parts have different clefs.  I can read these, it's just a slower process.  This is fine, except when trying to analyze the thick textures that have offset rhythms.  I know I have to listen to it, but I like to do as much mental analysis as possible and give myself multiple options before I let my ear make a decision.  The mental work is slowed because of the multiple clefs, although even this isn't so bad.  The worst is when most of the parts are written in D minor, but one of the parts is in E minor and three others are written in A minor... I forget which direction to transpose (in undergrad, vocalists did not have to take any sort of instrumental classes, and it didn't seem to be something my orchestral class in grad school focused on).  If I think hard enough about it, I can figure it out, but it takes so long and it is difficult for my brain to hold onto.  And then, when I have talked about this with people before, nothing is more irritating than hearing, "It's easy!  Just think of it this way..." or "Just think up a fourth."  It's not a problem thinking of an intervalic relation, it's the knowing which direction to think... "if I'm an instrument playing in A minor but everyone else is in D minor, I'm playing up a fifth (or down a fourth) to get to their key... so to figure out how my notes fit in D minor, I need to transpose down a fifth or up a fourth.  Up a fourth?  Or down a fourth?  Ahhh, how do I get to D minor on paper?"

So, I came up with a solution, at least a temporary one, to understanding the chords.  I bought a vocal/piano reduced score.  I didn't do this at first because I felt like it was cheating.  I no longer feel this way... I'm not trying to prove anything by studying Brahms or Berlioz.  I'm trying to learn and love and understand this piece.  Plus I want to know what's going on in the piano reduction.  The other perk is that I can play it on the piano, instead of listening to recordings to help me determine some of the progressions.

But... off to look at Brahms.

Chai

Sitting in our fifth coffee shop.  Not the fifth coffee shop we have checked out today, but the fifth coffee shop we have checked out here in the past week.  Still, there is no chai like Polly's.  Or the Green House.  But I will try to survive.  The locations are cool and I can always order loose leaf teas.

I had an interview at a church last night and an interview at a different church tonight.  I know which church I would love to be hired at, but we shall see when all is said and done.  We woke up and went for a 4 mile run this morning.  It became humid near the end of the run, but it still was a pretty good run on one of the bike paths here.  We also went to a park near our new apartment- it was huge and there are many trails!  I think both John's parents and my mom would love to visit and walk around that park.

Once tonight is done, I get to spend some focused time on Brahms this week.

An Article that Scares

I would like to read this book... this article hits on some of my biggest fears about career and family.

http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2013/06/06/new-book-gender-family-and-academe-shows-how-kids-affect-careers-higher-education

John and I have had this conversation multiple times.  My first desire in my life was not to have a family, but to have my career.  While this prioritization has changed, I am still passionate about having a successful, fulfilling career and a family.  But there is so much guilt that goes along with this.  And I have met plenty of people who think I will "change my mind" or cast judgement on me for my desire to make my career a high priority.  But I am not going to school to pass time until we have children.  I am certain we can make it work.

Apartment Found?

Sitting in a coffee shop (this is a theme, no?), listening to Brahms, spent some time on an octavo for an audition/interview happening next Monday evening, will spend some time on Brahms study too.  John is across from me, doing some job stuff.  And some fun stuff.

The music I am working on for the audition/interview is "Glory of the Father" by Hovland.  Then I have to pick a piece yet.  I should get a few options in the mail today and then I can make a decision.  I am debating between "Gloria" from Heiligmesse by Haydn, "Hark I Hear" arranged by Alice Parker, "Zion's Walls" by Aaron Copland, and "Psalm 100" by Rene Clausen.  Depending on when you ask me, I am leaning toward all four pieces.  I have a half an hour to do warm-up, the Hovland, and the piece I am teaching.  I think I might do the Parker arrangement, since I believe it captures people, plus it's easy to find success early on in the process.  I want the choir to leave with the music in the head (and hearts).  This one probably has the best chance of working it's way their quickly.  I love the Haydn, but I'm not sure if it's one I should use for a church audition.  "Zion's Walls" has some wonderful moments, but there are some chords I'm not sure the choir would find success on without a lot of support (and more than 10/15 minutes).  "Psalm 100" is an awesome piece, but I am not as familiar with the SATB arrangement.  The SSA arrangement is great and I am worried the SATB arrangement will not sit as well in the voices.  I guess we'll see when I get the music.

I also have an interview on Tuesday night for another church.  I love the fact my interviews include making music with people.