I had an "ah-ha" moment yesterday.
It has to do with faces.
You see, in my doctoral coursework, I gave three recitals. In one of my recitals, I received a small number of comments about faces I made while conducting. These faces were smiles, and the students did not know how to interpret them, so they assumed that it was negative.
These comments have bothered me for awhile because I had no idea what they were talking about. Yes- I smile a lot in rehearsal. That can't be upsetting to people, right? And I refuse to stop smiling. It's who I am and my classroom is built on positivity and encouragement.
Yesterday I was working with my small vocal jazz group. I asked them to modify a vowel, and they did. They sang a few more modulations before I stopped them to give feedback, at which point a senior said to me, "Ah! That smile- I know you aren't laughing at us, but I always wonder if I'm doing something wrong." She's a wonderful student and we have a good report, so we were able to chat about this. As it turns out, I DID have a little smile on my face. I was smiling because they had done such a good job modifying the vowel like I had asked them, and it was TOO well-modified. So what I was hearing was a wonderful vocal jazz "ee" vowel, followed by a very pure "oo." The two vowels didn't fit "in the same sleeve," because the singers had done such a great job modifying the "oo" vowel, just like I asked. The contrast had made me unwittingly smile.
Then today in rehearsal, my singers were rehearsing a piece they know very well. I found myself being aware of my face, and how at times I wanted to smile while conducting. I often do not notice when I do this, because it's a response to what I'm hearing. And it happens in two instances: the first is when the singers do something I ask and it's too much of what I asked (this is my fault, and a testament to my singers that they were so committed), and the second (and more often) is when my singers do something so well I want to stop and yell," Yes! That was exactly it!" But of course, I don't stop (... to be honest, sometimes I do stop and yell, but I try not to often because it disrupts the flow of rehearsal). What I do is smile instead- and I often don't realize I'm doing it.
So I addressed it today in rehearsal. Multiple singers were like, "Professor, we love your faces. Please don't stop doing them." I told them they could always raise their hand and ask what the smile was about if they saw it (and it was once we had stopped singing).
I'm still thinking about this new discovery. I'm not sure there is much I can change. I can definitely work on having more of a poker face, but I'm not sure I want to.
Now I know that this is what I do, however, I may address it more in rehearsal. For example, when we finish rehearsing a piece, I might say, "I had to smile because you remembered the phrasing and warmth in measures 35 and 36, altos. That was wonderful."
I'm relieved. There is nothing like getting an evaluation and not knowing why you got the feedback you did. At least now, I have a little better understanding.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Applesauce
I have thought about this blog post for a long time. And the reason I feel so inspired to post today is because of applesauce.
Let me start over.
Today I made applesauce for my 7 month old son. Yes, he is 7 months now. I can hardly believe it. At any rate, I made sweet potatoes last week and froze them. Today I made applesauce for his breakfasts this week. This made me think about how I balance my life. Most of the time, I think I'm doing okay. When I'm home and my son is awake, I spend time with him. I rarely split my time during the week between him and something else, because I don't see him often. I cherish the time I have with him.
I work hard at drawing a line between my work space and my home/personal space. Yes, I bring work home, but I only do work on my work computer. And I do fun (or thesis revisions) on my personal computer. I also keep my son off of most social media. I don't post photos of him. This is intentional. I often untag me from photos that have my son in them. This is a choice that my husband and I made together for a variety of reasons. While we have no judgement of those that choose to put photos of their children on social media, we choose not to. One time, I received a message from someone who said, "Did you have a child?... I didn't know, because all you ever post about is work." Yes. This is accurate. For the most part.
Sometimes I post about my little one. But it's often sometime fun- like the fact that he likes Bon Jovi. Or something else goofy. I'm not hiding him, so if I'm amused enough, I may share a story.
But this brings me to one of the biggest struggles of my work/life balance: navigating academia as a mother. And not just a mother, but a nursing mother.
I had a conference this weekend. My mom, who was visiting from Minnesota, came with and watched her grandson. She brought him to me to nurse. The alternative was to find a place to pump and a cold place to store the milk after it's pumped. Thank goodness for grandmas.
At the beginning of November, I have another conference. I'm driving there and back every day (it's about 90 minutes away). I have no idea where I'm going to pump or where I will store the milk after it's pumped. I found myself thinking about this conference tonight, and here were some of my questions: Should I contact someone who is organizing the conference and ask if there would be a space for me to pump? Should I try to make it a non-issue for other people and just pump in my car? I'd have to remember my car charger and then find a place to wash my equipment- how far away would I have to park for the conference and would this be a huge pain in the butt? Where can I store the milk? I should probably bring a cooler with ice in it. What if the ice melted? Would I be able to find other ice? Should I plan on pumping while I'm driving? I can't do it hands-free, so I suppose that's dangerous. Does that mean I'll have to pump right when I get there and/or right before I leave? Maybe there are other nursing mothers at this conference- or will they all skip this particular conference? One of my new contacts told me about a Facebook group for mothers in academia- maybe I should try to find this group and ask this question to other nursing mothers in academia?
And this is just for one conference. My husband is gone this week for work. So that means I have very little time to do other work. My mornings are crazy with two of us helping to get him ready, but when I'm flying solo, I have to do so much prep work the night before so I can take care of my little one in the morning. He falls asleep around 7 PM, that means I have about 2.5-3 hours to get ready for the next day, to clean up from that day, and to hopefully get some revisions on my thesis document in (and perhaps a shower). And fingers crossed- he doesn't wake up after his first sleep cycle.
I don't expect others to really understand. No one, unless they have been through it, can understand how a sleep regression affects a family.
But here is the point of all of this: We (mothers) need to be our own advocates. I tell my music education students this often. I say, "Hopefully you will have others who will also be advocates for the music education of your students, but if you don't have that support, you still need to be an advocate. You need to be an advocate for your students' education, for your program, for your development as a teacher." The same is applicable to me. How can I tell my students to be advocates for themselves and their students if I can't be an advocate for myself? Yes, I worry that others might think I'm not working hard enough or they might think I'm being selfish by drawing that life/work balance. I worry that the head of my program might be frustrated that I have to bring my son to an event. These worries- they are always there. But what is my alternative? Spend less time with my son? That is not happening. And if I don't show my students that it is possible, who will? If I won't be strong in my profession, where will they see it?
So applesauce. My husband is gone this week, and I made applesauce today. It's going to be a hard week, but I will still cherish the time I have with my son. And when John returns from work, I will remind myself how grateful I am that I have a partner that is a true co-parents. And I will take the time I need this week to be a professional, and I will take the time I need this week to be a mother. I will work efficiently, and I will love both my job as a teacher/musician and job as a mother.
Applesauce.
Let me start over.
Today I made applesauce for my 7 month old son. Yes, he is 7 months now. I can hardly believe it. At any rate, I made sweet potatoes last week and froze them. Today I made applesauce for his breakfasts this week. This made me think about how I balance my life. Most of the time, I think I'm doing okay. When I'm home and my son is awake, I spend time with him. I rarely split my time during the week between him and something else, because I don't see him often. I cherish the time I have with him.
I work hard at drawing a line between my work space and my home/personal space. Yes, I bring work home, but I only do work on my work computer. And I do fun (or thesis revisions) on my personal computer. I also keep my son off of most social media. I don't post photos of him. This is intentional. I often untag me from photos that have my son in them. This is a choice that my husband and I made together for a variety of reasons. While we have no judgement of those that choose to put photos of their children on social media, we choose not to. One time, I received a message from someone who said, "Did you have a child?... I didn't know, because all you ever post about is work." Yes. This is accurate. For the most part.
Sometimes I post about my little one. But it's often sometime fun- like the fact that he likes Bon Jovi. Or something else goofy. I'm not hiding him, so if I'm amused enough, I may share a story.
But this brings me to one of the biggest struggles of my work/life balance: navigating academia as a mother. And not just a mother, but a nursing mother.
I had a conference this weekend. My mom, who was visiting from Minnesota, came with and watched her grandson. She brought him to me to nurse. The alternative was to find a place to pump and a cold place to store the milk after it's pumped. Thank goodness for grandmas.
At the beginning of November, I have another conference. I'm driving there and back every day (it's about 90 minutes away). I have no idea where I'm going to pump or where I will store the milk after it's pumped. I found myself thinking about this conference tonight, and here were some of my questions: Should I contact someone who is organizing the conference and ask if there would be a space for me to pump? Should I try to make it a non-issue for other people and just pump in my car? I'd have to remember my car charger and then find a place to wash my equipment- how far away would I have to park for the conference and would this be a huge pain in the butt? Where can I store the milk? I should probably bring a cooler with ice in it. What if the ice melted? Would I be able to find other ice? Should I plan on pumping while I'm driving? I can't do it hands-free, so I suppose that's dangerous. Does that mean I'll have to pump right when I get there and/or right before I leave? Maybe there are other nursing mothers at this conference- or will they all skip this particular conference? One of my new contacts told me about a Facebook group for mothers in academia- maybe I should try to find this group and ask this question to other nursing mothers in academia?
And this is just for one conference. My husband is gone this week for work. So that means I have very little time to do other work. My mornings are crazy with two of us helping to get him ready, but when I'm flying solo, I have to do so much prep work the night before so I can take care of my little one in the morning. He falls asleep around 7 PM, that means I have about 2.5-3 hours to get ready for the next day, to clean up from that day, and to hopefully get some revisions on my thesis document in (and perhaps a shower). And fingers crossed- he doesn't wake up after his first sleep cycle.
I don't expect others to really understand. No one, unless they have been through it, can understand how a sleep regression affects a family.
But here is the point of all of this: We (mothers) need to be our own advocates. I tell my music education students this often. I say, "Hopefully you will have others who will also be advocates for the music education of your students, but if you don't have that support, you still need to be an advocate. You need to be an advocate for your students' education, for your program, for your development as a teacher." The same is applicable to me. How can I tell my students to be advocates for themselves and their students if I can't be an advocate for myself? Yes, I worry that others might think I'm not working hard enough or they might think I'm being selfish by drawing that life/work balance. I worry that the head of my program might be frustrated that I have to bring my son to an event. These worries- they are always there. But what is my alternative? Spend less time with my son? That is not happening. And if I don't show my students that it is possible, who will? If I won't be strong in my profession, where will they see it?
So applesauce. My husband is gone this week, and I made applesauce today. It's going to be a hard week, but I will still cherish the time I have with my son. And when John returns from work, I will remind myself how grateful I am that I have a partner that is a true co-parents. And I will take the time I need this week to be a professional, and I will take the time I need this week to be a mother. I will work efficiently, and I will love both my job as a teacher/musician and job as a mother.
Applesauce.
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