I should always be working

Like many others, I've been trying to be productive, but clearly not staying ahead of where I want to be.  I thought: Ah, to make it easier on the students, I'll reduce their work load for my classes. I'll create a schedule for me and my children.  We will have split childcare duty. I will be able to work ahead on things! Maybe this isn't so bad.

This isn't a "break."  Obviously, we all know that.  I didn't anticipate, however, how difficult it is to try to work a full time (plus) job with two small children.  They require a lot-- mainly because they apparently like to antagonize each other for fun and sometimes get hurt.  And neither I nor my partner are willing to put them in front of a TV all day (although we are allowing for increased screen time for specific purposes).  Come to think of it, even if we did put them in front of a TV, my toddler would be interested for all of 15 minutes before he'd be off doing something else.

I've had to let go of a lot of my work guilt.  A lot.

Do you know that feeling of "I should always be working"?  I thrive on it.  But it also destroys me.  I think I developed it in grad school, where I always felt I could do- had to do- more. However, let's be fair: I enjoy working because I enjoy what I do. It's easy to do it a lot.

On the other hand, I'm a better musician and a better person when I have a little breathing room from "work."  Note: this does not mean breathing room from music. But the music part is hardly work. I call it work. It's really something else-- a mission? Vocation is the word, I think.

I learn new ways to balance every day. And somedays I forget how to balance.

But I do know that I shouldn't always be working.