How to Defeat Defeatism

Here is what I realized when John's parents were here: I spend too much time on the internet. I knew I wasted some time, but I didn't realize HOW MUCH time until I didn't go on my computer every time I came home- and wow! I had more time. I was really only on my computer to do school work. What a difference that made.

Today I led a choir all the way through Belshazzar's Feast and I donated blood. I'll give you one guess at which was more difficult.

I think it was terrible. I couldn't get my mind wrapped around what was coming next in the music- I felt stuck. I wanted to stop and work on things, but knew I couldn't. The focus was on my conducting the piece and my teacher wanted me to conduct straight through the 35 minute work. This was a make-up lesson from earlier in the semester. I got a B. My teacher told me I did a good job, especially for my first time through the entire piece with a choir (and their first time singing it all the way through). I completely bombed 3 places in the score- including a section I NEVER mess up on. Since we finished Belshazzar's Feast in my lesson 2 weeks ago, I haven't really opened my score and conducted it. I thought we were done. Last Friday my teacher asked me to conduct it all the way through. And I know I didn't dedicated enough time to the score from Friday afternoon to today, although I felt very confident going into today's rehearsal. I am comfortable with the score and what I should/want to hear. It just didn't... fit together as easily as it does when I'm conducting nothing and imaging the sounds in my head. I am unsure about what I exactly need to be working on right now- Belshazzar's Feast? Bach Cantata 80? Or He's Gone Away, a song my teacher wanted me to conduct for him in my lesson that the women's choir is singing? All of the above? I have practiced He's Gone Away... and I'll do some practicing of BWV 80 tonight yet. My teacher gave me some feedback- he started the feedback by saying I did a lot of things well and he didn't write them down because he wanted to give me the most direct feedback in the short amount of time we had. I agree with all he said, and even if I had reasons for doing or not doing things, I think he gave me valuable feedback. I will continue to work on Belshazzar's Feast.

If I don't get all As this semester, I'm going to have a difficult time not feeling defeated. I'm not worried about diction or my gender and music class. I'm not worried about voice lessons (although, maybe I should be) or choir. I worry that I'm not up to snuff in conducting lessons or choral master class. And a B on a conducting lesson? Even a B+... that is unacceptable to me. I can't imagine what will happen if I get a B in lessons on my grade report. A part of me feels very discouraged- what am I even doing in graduate school if I don't have the skill and ability to do better than a B? I, out of all people, know that grades are just grades. But I also know they are important for my next school. Sure, I can focus on the learning. I love learning. However, the fact remains, that if I don't get As, I am going to look like a mediocre student and an incompetent DMA candidate. The educator in me hates this paragraph and it's over-emphasis on grades. I know I can seem neurotic, but this is not about a grade in a class. This is about the career I have wanted since I have been 13. It would be awful to feel as if I couldn't do it after 16 years of working toward this goal.

On the other hand, I would be extremely unhappy if all I did was school or conduct. Up until 4 PM tomorrow, I plan on having a productive work day. Then I'm coming home, working out, talking to John, and going to dinner with a friend. And when I come home, I don't plan on doing any school work. The rest can wait until Thursday. There are few things that matter more to me than my future career, but they would include John, family, close friends, and my health. Oh, and doing good and showing love to humankind.